Everything before the “but” is a lie
Have you ever noticed that when people say something and the word “but” is in the middle of the sentence, everything before it can be discarded because they didn’t really mean it?
When someone says “that is a really nice sweater but…” I don’t care what comes after the but, they don’t like your sweater.
When a person says “I really like your website but” it means they don’t really like your site.
The question that has to be asked is, do people think we are so foolish as to not realize this?
While you might think using this technique will “soften the blow” the reality is, people know what you are doing. If what you are saying before the “but” isn’t true, then don’t say it. Be honest, don’t waste people’s time and concentrate on everything after the ‘but”.
While this might seem like a very small thing, the reality is, it’s the type of thing that can make us all much better communicators.
Have a great day!
Lawrence
I’m not sure it is accurate to say everything before the “but” is a lie at least not as a constant rule of thumb.
For instance if I were to say “I want to go to Ireland but I can’t afford it” doesn’t mean I don’t want to go to Ireland – it just means I have to hold off for a while.
Or “I want to help on Saturday but I’m already committed to doing X” – again, not necessarily a lie (though it could be)
My point is it is hard to make such a generic rule that is actually applicable to all situations. I’d suggest you consider the entirety of the comment, the context, and the speaker before rushing to judgement; that might make us all better communicators.
First of all, almost everything on a blog like this is a bit of a generalization. However, in most cases, I stand by what I wrote.
An example: “I want to go to Ireland but I can’t afford it”. Reality: if a person wants it badly enough, they will find a way to do it. This might mean putting it off a bit. This might mean getting a second job. This might mean getting a different job with an airline to fly for free. The point being, if someone want something badly enough, it can be done (and done without putting it on yet another credit card)
An example: “I want to help on Sunday but I’m already committed to doing X”. Could this person find another person to help out (this would certainly be a way to help). Can he explore other ways to help out (hiring someone, automating it, going in after hours etc)
People like to make excuses and think that simply giving an excuse is something that will be accepted by all.
I’m not saying a person has to do whatever is asked of them. However, the reality is, most people take the easy way out and don’t see anything wrong with it
Lawrence